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Talk to daughter about her kids running wild

Dear Thelma:

I have had kid-proof furniture most of my life. Now that my kids are grown, I have finally been able to buy a very elegant living room set. Is there a nonoffensive way to ask one of my daughters to not let her three small kids (whom I love dearly) use my sofa and love seat as a trampoline when they visit? She was raised in a clean home and was never allowed to do this.

No amount of hinting seems to have an effect. When they are running wild through my home she just sits "comatose" while her husband just ignores the situation. I did get a mean look when I banned the 3-year-old from taking corn chips to the sofa. I never ever want to cause a drift in my family; I have a friend who had the same problem and her son will not visit her anymore after it was mentioned.

Answer:

First of all, congratulations on your grown-up furniture. You deserve it and you deserve everyone's help in taking care of it.

Talk to your daughter at a neutral time — not while the kids are running wild — about your wish to keep the furniture in top condition and the need to set some rules for its use for the kids. The conversation needn't be accusatory or demanding, but do go into it feeling confident about the stand you want to take. It's my hope that your daughter will have enough respect for you to support you and teach the kids to show their respect by being obedient.

Then, talk with your grandchildren the next time they visit about your new furniture, how you want to keep it nice, and how you want them to play safely. Explain the new rules in your house and the consequences for breaking those rules — a time-out from the play or loss of something special, like dessert.

After that groundwork is done, allow your daughter the chance to step in when the kids break the rules. If she doesn't, it is perfectly acceptable for you to so.

As for your friend's son, I hope this column finds him and he realizes that his behavior is disrespectful.

Dear Thelma:

I'm a member of a large church. I try my best, along with some others, to get to Mass early. I enjoy sitting at the very end of a pew. There are some parishioners who stroll in 20 to 30 minutes late every Sunday and stand glaring at me to move to the middle. I have started standing up to allow them to pass so I may retain my seat. I recently saw one latecomer roll her eyes at a man who stood also to let her pass. He arrives early too. Do people need to give up their seats for those who just pop in to receive communion?

Answer:

I smiled as I read your question, as I have so frequently reserved that end spot for myself and refused to move over for those arriving after me. However, in asking myself why, I realize that for me to be present and participating in the Mass I don't have to sit at the end of the aisle.

There may be reasons someone needs to sit at the end — parents with small children who may need to leave or someone who isn't feeling well — otherwise it's silly to be so territorial. Yes, the latecomers are a distraction and they shouldn't be rude about getting into a seat, but focusing on love and service to others may help you see them and your need for that seat in a different light.

Bearing one another and good manners never go out of style.

Have a question about etiquette? Ask it at www.askthelma.com. Thelma Domenici is CEO of Thelma Domenici & Associates, offering contemporary social skills development programs to all ages.